I have always been sensitive. I can remember being mortified in kindergarten because I didn't know how to use scissors. And even though I was reading well beyond my peers, the fact that I couldn't make those stupid things maneuver appropriately, made me so frustrated. And you know what I found myself doing, even then at 5 years old? I found myself acting like scissors were the stupidest things and making jokes about how being good with scissors was stupid. Seriously, at 5 years old...
That behavior followed me through school. If I'm being honest, I can almost guarantee if you asked my husband right now he'd tell you I still struggle with it. Praise God for grace, am I right? And it wasn't just abilities. Feelings, emotions, popularity. The gambit of life was a constant source of anxiety for me. The overwhelming feeling of needing to be perfect. To not have flaws and differences. Drowning under the pressure of needing everyone to like me. Masking every emotion with humor.
And boy did I hate me. I wasn't even sure who "me" was anymore, but I knew that I hated her guts. I've only ever shared with a few people who I've gotten really raw with that there was a point in time where I stopped and thought- I don't even know my favorite color. Because I was a chameleon. I was letting the world tell me who I was and I was adapting to whatever situation was thrown at me. I was fake. I was a liar. I pretended nothing in the world bothered me and I did whatever I could to hurt people who hurt me. And because I had so desperately lost myself, I just wanted to be numb. To stop the caring. To just NOT feel for awhile. And so I began drinking. And with drinking typically brought more regrets, so I began taking prescription pain medication. Anything I could get my hands on that would just STOP the hurting.
I will never forget at 21 having a conversation with a childhood friend. We had both been high at the time, but he looked at me and said, "We know better than this. Our parents did better than this. What is wrong with us?" And I remember shrugging and saying, "We suck." Because that was the total sum of my feelings anymore. People are constantly pointing their fingers and asking, "Where were their parents?" You know where my parents were? Home. Trusting me. They had no reason to believe I was out doing the things I was doing because they had taught me right from wrong. They had raised me with good morals and values.
When I moved to Maryland at 22, I thought that would be an end to my partying. But you can't outrun your problems. And so I found myself hanging with the same crowds and getting into the same predicaments. Hating myself for not being able to change. When I met my husband in June of 2008, he was a breath of fresh air. I knew there was something different about him but could never put my finger on it. We had what one would call a "whirlwind romance". It was totally out of character for both of us, but we moved in together after 6 weeks of dating. Seriously, saying that out loud makes me cringe! I can't even imagine what my parents were thinking! But praise God, things worked out.
My husband is the son of a preacher, and from very early on in our relationship, he began having long talks with me about God. I wasn't raised going to church, but I had been to a few churches and youth groups and youth retreats throughout my life, and I knew I believed in God, but not really what it all meant. As I learned more from him, and eventually began going to church, I realized my need for salvation. I tearfully accepted Christ as my Savior on April 11, 2011.
The last 6 years has been the most amazing journey. The more that I learn about the Lord and His Word, the more that I thirst for a closer walk with Him. Over the last 6 years, I have been finding out who God created me to be. The girl that I hid away for so many years has emerged and I am loving who she is. She is broken, sinful, imperfect, wicked. But she is healing, hopeful, and redeemed in Christ. My sensitive heart that for so many years I protected with brick walls has broken forth. I am growing and evolving and learning and it is so beautiful.
I have learned most importantly that I can't live on my feelings. Feelings are indicators, not dictators. They can be utilized to see where growth and change is needed in your heart, but should not be used as a compass! My heart for 26 years was hard as a rock. Refusing to let anyone in to hurt me. And today, it's as pliable as Play Dough. Ready to be molded everyday by the Lord and to love everyone I come in contact with. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be this side of Heaven, but I am continuing to grow in the Lord and loving what He shows me everyday.
Is your heart hard? Do you need healing and redemption that can only be brought on by Christ? Please reach out to me, I would love to tell you how Jesus Christ, the Son of God, died on a cross for YOUR sins.
Stay Knot Sew Fancy,
Cryssi
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