Even though I didn't know the Lord until I was 26 years old, part of me always knew this. I have always felt different. As if something was brewing inside of me that was dangerously close to boiling over. I was uncomfortable in my skin. As if the very flesh and bones which my soul inhabited had somehow become a cage that I was longing to be freed from.
I am an "old soul". I have been since I was a little girl. Though back then it was called being "weird". I used to "capture memories" in my mind. I recognize that now as a tendency to appreciate the moment. I would try to absorb the beauty of the woods when my family would go hiking. I would linger a little longer in a hug. I would laugh a little too loud at a joke. I would soak in every minute of family time. I would memorize the words on the page of my favorite book. I would sing freely and love deeply and you know the cliche- dance as if no one was watching.
And then the world broke me.
There was the time where I was 9 years old and I was "fat". Then the time when I was 12 and told I was a "baby" for still liking my American Girl dolls. Then the time when I was 14 and I was a "loser" because I didn't know about some sex act. Then when I was 16 and I was a "prude" because I wouldn't have sex.
And I started to hate who I was....piece by piece.
And piece by piece, I became someone who I wasn't. Layer by layer, I painted my outside to hide my inside. Day after day I compromised what I thought and felt to please everyone else around me. And as I became more and more popular with the masses and the "life of the party", I became more and more miserable and disgusted by myself. Hating who I was, hating who I had let them make me.
It would be easy for me to look back on those years with regret. Lord knows I have many of them from that time in my life. But I am grateful for the experiences that lead me to the exact places they did and for the wonderful way in which God saved my soul. Every single day is a learning process. He won't be finished with me until I get to Heaven one day. But I am so grateful to be that "old soul" again. So grateful to know who I am and Whose I am. The peace which I find in Jesus Christ is something that could never be fully explained in words. The true joy that shines so bright within me that I feel like I am glowing on the outside is indescribable. I find myself lingering too long in hugs again. Trying to absorb nature into my flesh. Singing freely, laughing too loud, loving too hard.
This world is not my home...I'm just passing through
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.
- Albert Edward Brumley
Stay Knot Sew Fancy,
Cryssi
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